America's Next Top Mess...

Amy and Beth's Infinite Sarcasm

Beth:  here's my fondest wish. i really NEVER EVER want to see the new movie Nick &  Nora's Infinite Playlist. if life was fair, i would have never even heard of it before

……

Beth:i'll take your silence to mean that you have already prepaid your tix on fandango for premiere night

me:  yes.  the thing i love most is movies with a really indie soundtrack, and funny font for the title…..starring michael cera.   and i just LOVE when its a wishful, whimsical, modern love story; following a quirky, misfitted boy who just really wants true love, and he meets a sassy girl who just fits the bill, and they exchange witty, overwritten banter

Beth:   yeah it's so innovative and "new media" to make a movie that introduces the audience to music that they are too stupid to have discoverd on their own,  that is all quaint and sassy and quirky

me:  yes

Beth:   the only thing that would make it better is if diablo cody wrote it

me: the MAIN THING it has to have is a soundtrack that you dont understand or like, but that you think people will think you are stupid if you say you don’t get it or dont like it, so u say you LOVE IT AND TOTALLY GET IT

Beth:   yeah

me: even if the lyrics to the main song are "i dont see what anyone can see in anyone else but you"…. u are all like "I GET THAT" even tho if you really break it down its kind of an insult

Beth:  people that don't get these movies and the music just have cold ugly hearts.  i wouldn't want them in my life.  they obvs just don't like innocence

me:  YES.  and u know what else they hate?  witty banter.  and strippers.  if u hate these movies u arent feminist

Beth:   they want to keep women down

me: yes bc diablo cody was a stripper, and stripping is a way to take back ur femininity and power.  so therefore if you hate these movies, u hate diablo cody, even if she didnt write it, and so therefore u hate women. 

Beth:  Yes. these women are going to speak their minds and you can't stop them

me: OH OH AND…u hate when women get success, this harsh criticism wouldn’t happen to a man.  and thats also why u hate michael cera.  bc u are afraid to cheer for a timid man!!  bc u have totally given in to societies stereotypes

Beth:   irony is the new form of humor and it's just too subtle for some ppl to appreciate

me: True.  I totally don’t get why people get so mad when I wear my “I Love Being Black” shirt.  People are so clueless.  guess what else these people hate?  hamburger phones

Beth:   i wish michael cera would take sarah palin and fall off the face of the earth

me: we could write a movie about it!  “Michael and Sarah’s Intergalactic Journey to the Planet Lame”

me: btw, i think that if u think diablo cody's writing sucks, you are just jealous of her oscar.  but i want to know why you can't be jealous of her oscar AND ALSO think her writing sucks.  My hate can mutli-task.

Lol. Cat.

Ok, this has seriously been making me laugh for like two days.  I may never stop laughing at this.

 

LOL.  I laughed so hard at this at work that I was crying, and all my coworkers were looking at me like wtf, and then I tried to explain and I did the thing where you're like "Iiiis....tthea......hahahahah catt....and it.a.a......bbobcat and it says HAHAHAHA HAHAhAH HAHAhHAhAhAH HAhAh acii prefer Robaveverrrt AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" and people are like wtf.

Then some of them saw it was a lolcat that I was laughing at and they were like "Oh."  Then I blew my nose and laughed some more.

I'd like to finish up with this diagram, which...while it took me a good 2 minutes to understand it, I now believe it to be TOTALLY TRUE.

OTP

Hello future husband....

 

Love, Your Beautiful Wife

When I'm Cars I Feel Safest of All I Can Lock All My Doors

Ok so I saw these two cars recently.  They had to be poorly photographed, properly overanalyzed, and then blogged.

Exhibit A:  The "Not in Service Cop Car"

 

That sign in the window says "Not in Service".  LOL.  Being mugged?  Don't stop this car.  Drunk driver on the loose?  Can't help ya.  What's that?  An emergency?  Yeah I'm not in service.  I have a sign.  It says Not in Service.

And second:  The "I Have a Few Simple Instructions" car.

 

This car has (from left to right) a no smoking sticker, and unidentifiable blotch sticker, a particularly mysterious "no up arrows" sticker, a stop sign sticker.  Um.  You can't stop people from smoking outside.  And we are on the freeway, and so we are already stopped duh.  And.... well I really have no clue about the Anti Up Arrow movement.  Yeah I don't know.  Up Arrows are bad, mmmmmkay????

For the record I took the picture of the cop car while Marcel was driving.  And I did take the picture of the other car while I was driving but I was going like negative zero mph.

Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K

So....here are some things that are different about the new East Siiiide hood as opposed to the old hood.

Everyone obeys traffic laws (mostly).  The Hollywood style of "every man for themselves" of driving is not necessary in my new neighborhood.  In fact, I really need to scale back the aggressiveness of my driving, because while it was was a necessity for survival in Hollywood, it is now basically making me in to my own version of Cool Guy.

Everyone is really friendly.  Like, at Vons all the checkers are asking you how you are and cracking jokes and generally happy.  I'm kind of like, what do you want?  I don't want to join Scientology, or whatever you are pushing.  Oh wait, whut?  You're just nice?  I don't get it.

Everything is less crowded.  Today Barbara and I went to brunch and we had limited time, so when we got to what is probably one of the most popular brunch spots in Eagle Rock, we had to leave because it was SO SUPER CROWDED.  Meaning there was a 15 minute wait.  LOL.  15 minutes!  Surely that is barely even enough time to contemplate puking in to your purse if you are hungover.  In Hollywood, I would really wish you good luck waiting less than an hour almost anywhere on Saturdays and Sundays.  And you'd have to walk half a mile after parking to get there.

Which leads me to.....PARKING.  It's everywhere.  Abundant, plentiful, ripe for the taking.  It's delicious.

Everyone goes to bed by like 10 pm.  What?  You don't want to scream outside my house at 2 in the morning?  Are you sure?  You don't want to fight with your boyfriend and then cry to your girlfriends for an hour right in front of my house at 4am?  You don't want to park in front of my house and blast Metallica in the middle of the night?  I don't get it.  It's actually kinda freaking me out.  For the last 13 years I've lived in NYC, downtown San Diego, or Hollywood.  Now all I hear is crickets.  I'm like, what is this high pitched humming I hear?  Where are the helicopters?

Now, when I hear the sound of water trickling outside my house, it's just my neighbor watering his lawn, sittin on a chair, listening to the Dodger game.  It's not someone peeing on my house.  It's just a guy kickin back with a hose, drinking a beer.

Oh yeah...and here's one reason why I just love LA.  I fucken love it.  So I was driving past the exit to Dodger Stadium the other day (it was a game day) and some crazy guy was on the overpass of the freeway with a Dodger flag, a bullhorn, and a sign that said "Don't Stop Believin".  I was like, wtf that guy is NUTS.  But then I realized that like all the cars on the freeway were honking and waving and giving thumbs up.  Lol.  Like... that guy is like "I know.  I have a good idea.  I'm gonna go stand over the freeway with my flag and my bullhorn and get people all fucken riled up about the Dodgers" and LA was like "Fuck yeah you are!"

Lol.

Anyways, I do miss Hollywood, but the new place is cool too.  Frenchi misses Hollywood A LOT.  He's not allowed outside yet, so I had to buy him a leash.  I will try to get a picture of him in his leash to post, even though he will hate it. 

That's all.

PS.  In light of the fact that Sarah told me she doesn't understand half the acronyms I use, I am announcing now for future record I will no longer be spelling out "I don't get it".  It's "idgi" from now on.  ngl, acronyms ftw!  Confused?  Try here.

Say Goodbye to Hollywood

Omg!  Tonight is our last night in Hollywood.  Crazy!!

Tomorrow we move to our new place in Eagle Rock.  For the non Angelinos, Eagle Rock is a hood in LA on the beloved East Side, near Pasadena.

It's a Rock!  It looks like an Eagle!  It's not just a clever name!

But I am kinda sad about leaving Hollywood!  I mean I won't miss some things about it.  Like people peeing on the gate to my house, or the time where a drunk guy followed me and my friends inside and everyone thought he was a friend of someone else and so a drunk guy with jeans ripped from crotch to knee spent like 5 minutes chillin in my house.  That I won't miss.  I will miss living a block from In N Out, and I will regret that my chances of seeing Patrick Stump at Target will significantly decrease (to zero).  And of course I'll miss living at Noelle's and all the fun things about Hollywood, like Cafe des Artistes and Runyon Canyon.

Lol.  I'm moving like 20 minutes away in the same city.  I'm acting like I'm moving to Tuskeegee, Alabama.

Besides, look at it this way... now when I watch the Hills... I will feel nostalgic.  Instead of feeling bothered by my overall proximity to them.  I will still feel ashamed.  Ashamed that I watch the Hills.  I can't help it!  I can't miss ONE SINGLE MEANINGFUL GLANCE/GLARE!!

 

I will also miss living a short walk from Forever 21 and H&M, even if it required that I walk by Mann's Chinese Theatre/Hollywood & Highland.  I went to Forever 21 today and I was VERY excited that on both my trip there and back the guy who dresses up like the killer from Scream didn't chase me down the street while I screamed and generally created a scene.  That has happened more often than you could know.  I am that guy's #1 target, mostly because I probably always have had this look on my face like OMG DON'T COME NEAR ME!

GAH!

Ummmmmmmmmm.  Yeah.  So, basically we are moving on up.  To the east side.  OMG WE ARE LIKE THE WHITE JEFFERSONS!!!!  Except one of us isn't white.

So, Hollywood... in the end you are kinda ghetto, but I still liked you, and don't worry... I'll come visit and I'll have you to thank for the street cred I have because I am able to say stuff like "Remember that time we heard gunshots?" 

And on that note...

Road Rage

I know, I know...

 

But it's time to talk about gas prices and hands- free laws JUST ONCE MORE.

Hey!  Hands- free laws!!  You're dumb!!  I spend more time untangling my hands- free cable then I ever did talking in my car!  Sometimes I don't even untangle it, I just leave it tangled and then hold the phone up so that the cord is long enough!  Maybe that's not hands free but that ear piece is in my ear!!  SUPER IMPORTANT.

And I still text in traffic.  And I still check my phone like 10 times a drive to make sure it hasn't dialed someone and I am suddenly leaving a voicemail of a very heartfelt rendition of "Wake Me Up Before You G0- Go". 

SO SUCK IT HANDS- FREE LAWS!!! SUCK IT!!!

On the other end of the spectrum...

Dear Gas Prices,

Thank you for lowering.  I was so glad to spend only $66 today as opposed to $80 like I used to.  Keep up the good work!

Love, Amy

My Name is Jonas...

Just when I thought I had all of the Jonas Brothers sorted...

...THIS SHIT HAPPENS!

FUUUUUUUCK.  Now not only do I not know which one is which, I don't even know which one isn't wax.  Boo.  :(

Eu Penso Esta Amarello

I am having a personal crisis which is that my black Havaianas have broken.   These are flip flops, for those who don't know.  They broke last night while I was walking holding Frenchi, in the midst of another crisis which involved an extremely large raccoon that looked more like a bear.  I almost fell, and quite honestly it's a miracle that Frenchi and I weren't involved in the first human/ cat homicide by raccoonbear.  Well, to be fair we were inside the house, and the raccoon was outside... but that makes for a much less interesting story. So just pretend that we were in imminent danger.

Anyways, I've had these shoes for like 4 years.  Kind of gross now that I think about it.  So I went to Havaianas website to get some new ones... and I have to say ... wtf.  Is this 1998?  I haven't seen such a complicado website since the Bape website, which I really don't recommend even trying unless you have like an hour, and you want to install something, and also if you feel like converting Japanese Yen to dollars, only to find out that everything is like $400.  (Ok, side note...I just went to bape.com and they have severly simplified it, but it still took like a minute to load on a T3).

What's the point of this post?  I don't know.  I just felt like complaining about fake problems.  I had a REAL fake problem day yesterday when the air conditioner in my car broke and I had to take it to the dealer where they gave me a loaner car that doesn't even have power windows.  I also had a REAL fake problem when I went to Dior to have my ring fixed and they told me they would most likely have to replace it.  REAL PROBLEMS, PEOPLE.  Then to top it all off... I somehow ended up ordering a $14 sub sandwich in Beverly Hills, and I had to complain about that.

Marcel had to actually stop me from freaking out at one point by saying the one word that will make anyone stfu. "Hey...Darfur".

So yeah...I guess my point is that if your only problems are that your temporary replacement car isn't as nice as your real car, your handmade designer ring was flawed, and you can afford a $14 sandwich... then you don't really have problems.

Boo.

I have just been under a semi- monumental amount of stress lately because we are planning the wedding (which is suddenly in only 3 months GAH!!), and on top of that we have decided to move to a new house in 3 weeks.  I kind of feel like if you're going to have ch- ch- ch- changes anyway you might as well do them all at once, so that's what we are doing.

So, that's the update from the Camargo household.  Raccoons, wedding, move, complaining and ultimately... perspective.

America, Heck Yes!

I seriously am going to have Post Olympic Partum Depression.  :(

At least I'll have some therapy fodder.  I mean... probly not as much as Mr. Frenchman up there on the left... but still.

Go For the Gold!

I kind of really wish I was in the Olympics.  How exciting to be an Olympian.  It's so dope.  I wish I had like, really gotten it together enough to be in the Olypmics.

Maybe if there was like a real medal for Mario Kart Wii or, like, that game on Wii Fit where you hit soccer balls with your head.  Ooh!  Or maybe a competition for "Watching Project Runway"!  Or maybe one for "Procrastinating", I mean surely I could win a gold medal for procrastinating.

Imagine the training for Skilled Procrastintion.  You'd be all lounging on the couch watching a "Flipping Out" marathon, scanning in old photobooth pictures of yourself, re- reading the Jonas Brothers Wikipedia page to try to finally really find out which one is which, maybe you'd go on Facebook and read all of your friends current statuses before going on azlyrics.com to try to decide which Bjork lyric to use your own really clever and irreverent status, then maybe you'd chat to your sister and say "I'm so bored"....when REALLY you should be trying to figure out a way to clean the melted plastic bowl out of your oven because you are moving in a month and you never cleaned it out after you melted the plastic bowl in there 10 months ago.

It would be glorious!  The Olympics I would be in would look something like this:

But I would of course be Baby Peach!

And I mean seriously, I win Mario Kart EVERY time so I would totally win the gold.  The only time I don't win is when Marcel even comes close to beating me and then I throw the remote and say "I'M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE!!"

See??  I have the true spirit of a champion.

Cool Guy

Marcel and I have this concept of a person we call "Cool Guy".  Everyone has seen Cool Guy.  Cool Guy is the guy who drives way too fast, and takes off from lights going like 50 mph.  He is the guy who cuts around the corner not even stopping at stop signs.  He will cut in line in front of you at the Coffee Bean, he lives on the West Side but he LOVES to go out in Hollywood, and one night... you might even come home to find Cool Guy peeing in the bushes in front of your house before he stumbles to his car and hopes to get home without a DUI or worse.  Cool Guy is a very busy guy, sometimes you might see him on his motorcycle, popping wheelies on Sunset at 2am.  Or you might see Cool Guy just driving down the street in his ridiculously large pick up truck.  Cool Guy might also drive by your house with his music blaring, at any hour of the night, just to let you know that he is COOL.

Basically Cool Guy is a fucking dickhole.

Yesterday, Cool Guy cut me off on the freeway.  This time Cool Guy had built a time machine and traveled back in time to the early milennium.  Yesterday Cool Guy was driving his 2001 Honda Civic, and he cut me off (almost hitting someone on a motorcycle, natch) causing me to break very suddenly in bumper to bumper traffic.  You see, the rest of us were going along at like 15-30 mph trying to get off the freeway... but that's too slow for Cool Guy.  Cool Guy needs to get places!  Cool Guy has brews to pound and bitches to fuck.  Cool Guy needs to wind in and out of any lane trying to rev up fast and get even just ONE car closer to his destination.  So when I honked at Cool Guy for cutting me off, because a) it was dangerous and b) wtf, he gave me the finger.  No hesitation, just BOOM... Finger. 

Really? Really, Cool Guy?  Are we still doing the finger?  Are you sure?

Are you still listening to a lot of Limp Bizkit?  Do you start sentences with stuff like "Oh dude, remember that time at the Family Values tour"??  When you get "dressed up", is it an untucked button down shirt with a silk screen Asian design over it?  I think it is.  Did you do it all for the Nookie?

Cool Guy then decided that something more important had come up in his day, he no longer needed to rush to his important destination.  He now needed to slow down in the lane next to me (you see, he had of course already gotten back in another lane) and make sure to try to make eye contact with me ON THE FREEWAY to let me know that his finger gesture truly meant FUCK YOU.  Out of the corner of my eye I could see him with his head turned all the way to the right to look at me (who needs to watch the road?) so... I gave cool guy a friendly wave and a thumb's up.  Well, that must have made him feel better because he then zoomed away on the 35mph off- ramp going as fast as possible, to cut someone else off because he stayed in the Exit Only lane as long as possible before getting in the lane he needed to be in, which, mind you... is also an exit lane that re- enters the freeway... meaning that yes... Cool Guy found a shortcut, even though it fucked other people over.  GNARLY BRO!!  So stoked for Cool Guy.

Basically... Cool Guy - YOU SUCK!  Don't worry, Cool Guy... you can have the West Side.  We are leaving.  East Side, here we come.  I don't think Cool Guy knows that much about the East Side because it's way too far from the Seventh Veil strip club on Sunset.

:(

I am so sad today.  Today my freakishly extra long stomach hair fell out.  I have this stomach hair that doesn't know when to stop growing so it grows to be like 3 inches, or maybe even longer.  It's blond, and extra fine, so it's not that gross.  I was kinda cultivating it this time just to see how long it would really grow.  Then today it was gone.  I am so sad.  :(

If I Wasn't a Celebrity, Would You Be So Nice to Me?

 

 OK SERIOUSLY.

This is a joke right?  It has to be. 

Because this commercial looks like the type of skit that would be on Saturday Night Live, but it wouldn't even be funny and you'd be all "Man, this show has really gone to shit".

You KNOW that the McCain camp really has some problems if this is really what they are bringing.  Paris?  Britney?  REALLY?  Oh man.

In the words of Kim from the Real World Hollywood:

Please, let us not forget Mr. McCain that you have a loud and proud supporter by the name of Heidi Montag from the Hills.  Ok.  You're lucky that Obama has enough sense to stick to actual issues and hasn't put that shit in a tacky commercial yet. 

I would say that McCain is probably jealous of how Obama has a Sidekick in his honor now...

.... but McCain has TWO!!!

And don't think it did not take what can only be called "extreme" self- restraint for me to not order the Obama faceplate when I ordered the new Sidekick tonight.  Mostly I did not do it because I knew Adama would tell me "you are a FOOL".  Not to mention I didn't want to get in to a lot of political debates with yahoos while in line at Starbucks or whatever.  I still haven't quite recovered from that unfortunate incident at Whole Foods where I made the wrong bag choice at check out and suddenly got called racist.

Peanut Butter Jelly and a Baseball Bat

Why does this still rule?

OLD INTERNET MEME NEVER DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!